The Cambridge dictionary defines quarrel as an angry disagreement between two or more people or groups. Quarrels are stressful and activate the fight-or-flight machinery in our brain and body. Regular episodes of quarrel are not good for long term physical and mental health, yet we do land up in quarrels, if not often, sometimes. The irony is that we quarrel mostly with our family and friends. Quarrels are like acid; it eats away the relationship.
Standing up for yourself and for others, disagreeing with someone is considerably ok if kept within limits. But, arguing with someone and getting caught up in a position that you don’t want to lose and forget your relationship with the person is not a good idea.
When you find yourself feeling irritated, sweaty, raising your voice and don’t want to quit till you win, you know you are quarreling. Quarrels happen not only in the open, but also in our minds- when you keep ruminating about a person in a negative way or keep revisiting an argument to make your point more impactful.
So, what is it that we can do to avoid getting into a quarrel and maintain our mental well-being. The first thing that we can do is to BE MINDFUL. Being aware of how the body feels and asking yourself – Is this good for me? What would my relationship with the person be if I did not quarrel? Analyzing these questions will help you understand and make a clear choice of what’s important. Second thing would be TO STEP BACK- if you sense yourself warming up, consciously slow down and step back. Stay calm and composed and not try to persuade the other person. However, if you land up in a quarrel, as soon as you realize, the best thing to do would be to get quieter. Acknowledging to the other person that you have realized that you have gotten into an argument, but that’s not what you really want, will really help.
Being quiet or silent does not mean agreement nor does it mean that the other person has won. The important thing is to look at the bigger picture – will this argument be of any relevance in a month’s time or in a year? This will help you make the right choice of avoiding/quitting the argument.
However, being mindful in the moment and analyzing your behavior in a heated moment requires you to learn to have control over your mind, which can come through mindfulness practice. An easy way to learn the science behind meditation and develop meditation practice is by using an APP like Healthy Minds Program App https://hminnovations.org/meditation-app (named best meditation apps by New York Times 2021). A free App that provides a combination of podcast-style lessons and both seated and active meditations, and help you learn what the science says about the brain while developing skills to tap into these learnings for a healthier, happier you.
At the end of it all, what matters is the peace within you and silence is sometimes the best answer to preserve it.